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27 April 2006 @ 10:54 pm
The Battle Within  
Well, this is one of THOSE journal entries; the kind that bemoan, bemuse, and befuddle the writer AND the reader. The intricacies and subtle nuances of life, human interaction, and the daily grind have come to an intersection of sorts; it has left me with everything and nothing. Happy am I that my career path has been forged, going into lands unknown, as it were--the tiny promise of a different future way off on the horizon. Making life changes and decisions on my own have never been my forte. I prefer for someone else to take on that monstrous responsibility so that they are to blame when the chips fall where they may. Now I feel as though I'm coming into my own, being the kind of person I've always wanted to be, and instead of hurrahs, I'm getting this: Walls. Resistance. Finger-pointing. It shames me to admit that when I meet these challenges face-to-face, my first thought is to quit. Give up. Put my goals, dreams and passions aside. Meet the emotionally insecure needs of others before recognizing my own needs as valid. I go to school and the time passes by because I'm having FUN! I'm learning! I'm taking charge and planning for the future! I have broken through my fear of success and don't want to look back. Then I return home and feel...Wrong. Selfish. Irresponsible. Unloved. Broken into pieces that must be cleaned up by the next day so that I can start all over again. Nothing makes sense. My heart and head say, what the fuck are you waiting for--forge that fucking path. My rational and irrational fears tell me otherwise; 'do this later, wait until things calm down, don't be selfish, make other people happy.' The duality of my life is more tiring than my heavy work-school schedule. The emotional ramifications of each war-torn evening are wearing down my interest in life to a dull hue. It's been 3 weeks; I'll be in school for another 3 years. Can I lead by example? Smile until it hurts? Fight this uphill battle with those who say they support me with words but with nothing else? I'm turning 30 in 2 weeks and a couple of days; I really wanted to hit the ground running on my birthday--look back and say, I'm manifesting my dreams, I am present, I am working on being whole. Instead I feel like whispering to myself, you're manifesting my dreams at the expense of another, you cannot be present, you are resented for being whole. I can't do anything right these days, and my efforts in changing this situation isn't helping. I cannot live two lives anymore, but I don't want to make anymore life-changing decisions. The next one I make could be the one that breaks me wide open, and I have no energy left for the pain of other people. I have everything, and nothing. I have the future interfering with the present. I have no fight left in me. I don't know what to do, except write, live my life, and focus on the good stuff. Hopefully there's more good stuff around the corner.
Current Mood: coldDrained
Current Music: "Make Me Whole", Amel Larrieux