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10 January 2007 @ 02:38 pm
Balderdash at Brown Paper Bag  
I meant to post this on Myspace, but it's giving me problems, so I'm posting it here. Hello to all--and sorry for the somewhat graphic subject matter, but c'mon...it's funny.

***

So I was talking with a friend online--let's call him..."Bob." Bob was telling me about how he fucked the shit out of some girl last weekend. I heartily congratulated him, and then pondered that phrase: 'fucked the shit out of her'. I know it's not literal, but it doesn't sound like a barrel full of fun. The visual attached to fucking the shit out of anyone or anything just sounds like an instant negative hard-on. It sounds like a HOT MESS. More phrases I've heard from my friends came to mind that, when taken literally, sound like horrific experiences, indeed. Observe:

*****

"I fucked his brains out." Like...skull-fucking? Or his brain spontaneously exploded from pleasure? Was it projectile like vomit or did it just ooze out like lava? I'm really interested to know.

"I fucked her silly." I can't, for the life of me, remember who said this to me. But I do remember thinking, so she giggled the whole time? Told knock-knock jokes? Went crazy like a fembot? Intriguing.

"I fucked her to pieces." THIS DOES NOT SOUND LIKE A GOOD TIME TO ME.

"He fucked the living daylights out of me." I don't even know what this MEANS.

"She fucked the Hell out of me." I suppose that's like a really enjoyable exorcism or something; but still, what a strange way to describe making teh sweet sweet lovins. I wonder if Satan himself came bursting out of his chest, a la Aliens. That would be fucking DOPE.

"Got fucked sideways 'til Sunday." Okay, I used this once. I didn't know what it meant then, and I still don't. Seriously, if it was a Monday, then you'd have six days of continual fucking, and bedsores, to boot. Not a good visual.

"I rode him like a stallion!" That's IMPRESSIVE. Think about it. *taps head* THINK about it.

"I rode her into the ground." OUCH.

*****
And now, for something completely different (or exactly the same):
Instant Messaging from the Depths of Hell:

***
Marika: have you ever had...teh silent sex? like been with someone that makes NO noise whatsoever?
Carley: hmm
Carley: no
Marika: my gf is talking about her bf...and he makes not one SPECK of noise when they're doing it.
Marika: and it's creeping me out
Carley: i've been the silent one
Marika: haha
Carley: when y'know i wasn't feeling anything
Carley: I ADMIT IT
Marika: hahahahahaha
Marika: ok, i've done that too--when i'm like...are we done yet? please?
Carley: maybe he was practicing tantric sex
Marika: i would have been surprised to find out we were having sex AT ALL, if you know what i mean. i was bored out of my fucking mind.
Carley: yep
Carley: i used to fall asleep while ****** was in the middle of doing her thing.
Carley: it was a bit sad.
Marika: OMG
Marika: *whoops*
Carley: or i'd be going over my grocery list in my head
Marika: i've done that
Marika: i've mentally cleaned and organized my entire home whilst getting teh cock
Marika: (but not with justin)
Carley: good
Marika: but w/ this one ex? oh yeah.
Marika: EXAMPLE: "1) i need to see about getting that blanket dry cleaned, i just can't seem to figure out how to get that pomegranate juice stain out. 2) maybe i can go online and figure out how to get fruit stains out of specific types of fabric--sex interlude: "oh yeah, just like that, mmhm". 3) maybe my mom knows a good website, or perhaps she has an old family secret to washing fruit stains out of this stuff. 4) i wonder if they even HAD pomegranates back in the day...i'll have to ask. 5) what the hell IS a pomegranate, anyway? i'll look that up online, too. huh, the history of the pomegranate, what a great research project--sex interlude: "YES i'm here, oh baby, do that again". 6) i should organize my cookbooks, maybe there's a good baking recipe for pomegranates. 7) good god, isn't he DONE YET? nope, still banging away. *sigh*--sex interlude: *bored voice* "yeah, give it to me"--*sigh*..." and on and on.
Marika: SO romantic.
Carley: uh huh, uh huh. give it to me baby, oh yeah. that feels so good.
Marika: OK, NOW GET THE HELL OFF ME, I'M CRAVING A POMEGRANATE AND I HAVE TO CALL MY MOM.
***
Emma: "The Ramen King died a few days ago. He was 96 and had invented instant ramen in 1958."
Marika: SAD
Marika: how?
Marika: just old age?
Emma: I don't know. That's all he told me.
Marika: maybe he ate too much ramen
Marika: NOW THAT'S IRONIC
***
Carley: masturbation = <3
Marika: yeah, i find that when i'm really bitchy or tense or freaking out about my relationship, that is the ONE THING that makes me forget and gets me back to a happy ground zero. it's nice. like a built in stress ball.
Carley: mmm, pancakes
Marika: i don't want to know.
***
Marika: i didn't know emo kids cried. i thought they just threatened to, with their crappy attitudes.
Emma: Okay, that's it. You can call me not goth. I don't mind. You could even - maybe - depending on the situation - call me a hippy. You could call me preppy. You could call me anything. But unless I start sitting in a corner feeling bad for myself and silently weeping into an ugly doll - NEVER CALL ME EMO!!
Emma: I feel another battle coming on.
Emma: Shall we?
Marika: *hair pull* HA HA HA, got you first!
Emma: *Eye Gouge* Ha! I got you worse!!
Marika: *maim*
Emma: *poke*
Marika: *drizzle*
Marika: ???
Emma: ???
Marika: *hot wax* ? that sounds bad.
Emma: Yeah it does. I probably need it though!
Emma: HaHa
Marika: hahaha FINE. *PILEDRIVER*
Emma: *Acid on yer head*
Marika: *gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*
Marika: OOOOOH, ACID!
Marika: *trips*
Marika: *trippytrippytrippy*
Marika: *ooohlalaaa*
Marika: my nose feels funny
Emma: So...are you gonna attack me or what?
Marika: *stab*
Marika: *stabstabstab*
Marika: *slashstabslash*
Emma: *Alien Attack!*
Emma: I sent them.
Emma: to attack you.
Marika: AND THEY WELCOME ME WITH OPEN ARMS, ME BEING THEIR LEADER AND ALL. *HA!*
Marika: *scrape*
Emma: *gnaw*
Emma: I eat your leg.
Emma: like a zombie.
Marika: *fling*
Marika: i throw poo at you
Marika: like a monkey
Marika: you are now covered in my feces. how ya like THAT?
Marika: eat my leg, I HAVE ANOTHER ONE
Emma: Hm. Brown is not my color. THAT'S IT BITCH! IT'S CHAINSAW TIME!!!
Marika: *DEFLECTS!*
Emma: cheater.
***
Emma: What?
Marika: everyone always thinks i'm a racist because i make fun of people from different ethnic backgrounds! and i think i'm better than most ethnic people! and i discriminate in every way against other ethnicities!
Marika: so. if the shoe fits. =)
Marika: *shrug*
Emma: Hm. So you are a racist in a sort of ironic way, then?
Emma: Wait - don't you think you are better than most people? Period? With no qualifications?
Marika: somewhat. and...there are like--5 people i KNOW i'm not better than. so not EVERYONE, just most people. and no, there aren't qualifications, but if you're a black dude hitting on me at the mall w/ no teef, i'm ten times better than you. it's a complicated system.
Marika: there are vetoes in place so that i can accomodate SOME ethnic people.
Emma: Hm.
Emma: Dirty racist.
Marika: dirty IRONIC racist. i'm brown, remember.
Emma: Oh yeah. Dirty Ironic racist.
***
So I'm not really a racist--I'm a SNOB, and there's a difference. But I AM an alien.
Feeling much better today; hung out with Rachel last night, sent the longest email of my life as well, and the Esq is still the mightiest sorcerer in all the land. Additionally, this website has been making me smile all day:

http://www.iheartguts.com

Enjoy! *waves*
 
 
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